Habbakuk 1:5b

"For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe even if you were told." Habbakuk 1:5b

Sunday, January 31, 2010

thought to remember

there is an article about a young pastor in Texas with a brain tumor. he is quoted to have said, "this has not surprised God. He is not in panic mode right now trying to figure out what to do with me and this disease" i was really struck by the simple truth of it. whatever is happening today, will happen tomorrow, good or bad, it doesn't surprise God.

Friday, January 29, 2010

thankful

I have been following two 'caring pages' for people whom I don't know but have gotten through other friends to pray for their babies in the NICU. One baby died last week. One baby is dying right now being held by his mother. I think daily of our friends who lost their son and another friend who lost one of her twins at birth. I sit here watching Lucas kick off one of his socks and throw his stacking cups and I can't find the words to express my joy, awe and thankfulness for the life I have right this minute.

well he did it

Lucas totally weaned himself this morning, the day he turned 9 mo old. I know it has been coming. I stopped pumping a few weeks ago and he was getting all formula bottles at day care. Then at home last week he didn't want to seem to nurse during the day so I fed him bottles. Then three days ago he didn't want to nurse before bed so he got a bottle and this morning he wasn't interested in nursing either. I honestly thought he'd keep his morning feeding for a while- despite my fatigue that was my favorite. So sniggly and hungry in the morning. Bill and a few friends have asked if I'm sad. Honestly it is hard not to be a little sad. I know Lucas isn't rejecting me or doing it on purpose to be mean. I know he is just growing up. But mixed with my sadness is 9 months of success. For 9 months I have basically fed him every three hours. When I was at work, I pumped for him every three hours. For those first 6-8 weeks I was up every three hours. I nourished my son, gave him the best of everything I had.
I think back to like day 2-3 when I had scabs that Lucas would pull off and I would bleed and his spit up was blood tinged and I was on the phone sobbing with the lactation lady and my mom was sitting next to me rubbing my back as I sobbed. And how for the first 3 weeks I followed Aunt Mary's advice and bit down on a burb cloth as he latched on as not to howl in pain. And how after that, just like everyone said, it got so much better. So easy. So natural. I just love sitting with him in the rocker with both his hands holding on while he is eating. He was such a good nurser from hour 1.
I will cherish my memories. How he would fall off, turn his head to look up and smile as if to make sure I was still there or as if to say 'Thanks Mom' and then he would go right back to eating. Or sometimes he would just unlatch, chuckle a bit as if to say 'my life is so great right now' and then go back to eating. How many hours I got to sit quiet and still with my son, rubbing his back, reading him books. I didn't know if any of this 'mom stuff' was for me when I was pregnant. I didn't put much thought into breast feeding or not; I just assumed I would. I am so glad I did. My initial goal was 4 mo and I made it to 9 and I would keep going but Lucas has decided he's done. I am so proud of what I have accomplished. I know a lot of moms who want to and can't so I consider myself lucky. I am trying to remind myself of all the positives today. Now I can have fully caffeinated beverages, as much as I want in a 24 hour period. I haven't had that freedom for 18 months. I am looking forward to Erica's promise that these last 5-8 lbs will come off now that I am not nursing. Now I have more freedom and am totally free of the pump. I can get rid of my nursing bras. But with listing all those, I am still sad. And I think that is more than OK, I think that is normal.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

getting ready

I am getting ready for my Facebook Fast for Lent and trying to remember to post more pics and video here. Here is a good start.
These are from today

from last week
from Christmas



Tuesday, January 19, 2010

keeping it on the front burner

Bill and I have talked since before we had Lucas about trying to hold sacred 'our time'; even just a little bit of 'our time'. We wanted to make sure we kept this on the front burner while our life changed so we wouldn't wait until Lucas was 2 or 4 or 6 to realize our marriage had suffered perhaps beyond repair. That is one reason we have been so strict about Lucas' schedule and bedtime. Firstly it makes for a happier, not overtired baby but also we have our evenings together. I will admit we are not great at spending this time together every evening. A lot of times the minute Lucas sticks his thumb in his mouth and rolls onto his side asleep for the night, we are in two different directions. I may head out to run errands or take a run or do charts or catch up on facebook or veg out to watch some mindless TV. We may be getting a sitter and running to a school concert, the free medical clinic or a basketball game. We became aware of this a few months ago and started to have 'in home' date nights. I'll admit we are not that great at these either but we are keeping them on the front burner. We have spent a few nights playing a game together or watching a movie. I am proud of us for at least trying to keep it on the front burner. We did want to try to get away for a night. At first this was a weekend but then we decided that was too long to be away. Aunt Susie graciously said she'd watch the bug so we could get away for the night. We got a hotel room about a mile away from Susie and planned our 'time away'. It was a perfect 24 hours.

First we dropped of the bug with a TON of things which is ridiculous b/c he is so little. I gave Susie like a TON of instructions which is also ridiculous b/c she's a way better, more seasoned mom than I'll ever be but she graciously listened to it all. Then we headed to Scott County Park and ran the Frostbite Footrace. It is a 8K race outside running around this beautiful park. Bill ran it two years ago when it was -1F without the windchill. This year it was 30F with no wind. It was great weather to run in. Bill ran in shorts. I have never run that far before but one foot in front of the other and I made it. Bill beat his best 8K time ever and got 3rd in his age group. I beat the time I had in my head by 11 minutes and ran under 10 minute miles which was my goal. I am running about 8:50 miles when I run a 5K at race pace so my goal was under 10 minute miles for the 8K. I did it. Finished in 48:50. After the race we went to Tantra which is a favorite restaurant of mine (thanks Fran). I had mango coconut fried rice with tofu-- freakin' yumilicious. Then we stopped at Toys-r-us for a little shopping. Checked into the hotel. Took a nap. Hit Target for more shopping and then Biaggi's for dinner. We had to wait for our table for about 30 minutes and it was just great to sit and chat. We looked at pics on my ipod touch and challenged each other to a game of Twiddle (thanks Jordan). Dinner was great. Biaggi's has my favorite, white chocolate bread pudding-- freakin' yumilicious round 2. Then we headed back to the hotel. Watched some TV, read and got great night of sleep. We headed back to get the bug about 11 am and it was so great to see his smiling face and flapping penguin arms of excitement when walked in.

I am proud of us for keeping 'our time' on the front burner and for making the effort to get away even for the night. It is so much easier to talk about than to actually do. It was great to have the time to reconnect with Bill. It was wonderful to have Lucas so well taken care of. Thanks Aunt Susie-- you're the best!

Friday, January 15, 2010

Emotions and guilt

The Haitian earthquake, I think, is the first real 'tragedy' that I have faced while being a mom. Things are just different when you are a mom, they strike you differently, you react differently. That doesn't mean I didn't feel compassion deeply before I was a mom. But having a child just changes everything. I guess it is human nature to put yourself in the shoes of the affected trying to know what it may feel like and then have survivor's (or non-affected) guilt that you feel happy it isn't happening to you. I remember when my friend's mom died in junior high. At the calling hours, I was so sad but really I was sad thinking about my mom dying. I felt guilty being happy it wasn't my mom. I think I processed that through with my folks and they said it was normal to feel that way. I remember crying and crying over footage of Columbine really sad for them and even sadder thinking of any of my high school friends at Canastota going through such an event. I can't stop watching the footage from Haiti. I shouldn't have watched Sanjay Gupta and that 15 day old baby yesterday on the news. I could barely keep it together while watching it but then again couldn't turn it off. Lucas has been teething and has a cold and has been really fussy. He has screamed for the past week whenever he was in his car seat. He has really gotten on my last nerve. But then I turn on the news. And the guilt begins. I am not in Haiti. I have no lost my home, family, child, leg. Then the Hippocratic oath kicks in. Should I try to go? I know I could help? Two docs from our ER have gone. I am a bit jealous that I can't go but then I'm a bit relieved that I have an 'excuse'. I can't leave my infant while still breast feeding. Then I feel guilty for being happy I have an excuse not to go. Jesus would go, He is already there. He would swim there if he had to in order to love and save his children.

Oh the layers upon layers of emotions and guilt. I guess that is what you get from being raised Catholic and now being a mom who has taken the Hippocratic oath :-)

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Liberation

Today was my first day not pumping and there are no words to describe the sense of liberation I felt.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Permission

So I have a hate hate relationship with my breast pump. I hate it. It probably hates me. Pumping every 3 hours at work is really time consuming and irritating. I only do it because I love my child. But it is really the most stressful thing about being a mom; more stressful than little sleep or anything. The stress of maybe not having enough milk for the next day. I don't get much when I pump so he has been getting 1/2 milk 1/2 formula bottles for a few months anyway. I am so done with pumping that I have been thinking of weaning him but don't really want to give up until he is a year. I only work three days a week; if I worked 5 I would have given up a long time ago. I have been thinking of stopping pumping but am worried I will lose all my milk. I spoke with a good friend from church who is also a doctor this week. She said she never pumped because it wasn't productive for her. She breast fed her kids way past 12 months too. I talked with her about thinking about stopping pumping and giving him just formula at daycare and feeding him when I am with him. She thinks that is a great idea. She says my milk should be fine. Then she said this, "I give you permission to stop pumping". I almost cried. I am so wound up tight about it that just hearing someone say that felt like I had been untwisted and set free. Bug had a full formula bottle at daycare on Thursday and did fine. I think I am going to pump just once a day for the next few weeks and give him some milk in his bottles when I can. I am no longer going to be stressed about it. I am doing my best for him the best I can.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

the bug does mexico this time with grandma

I had a great time in Mexico. Let me tell you what I did.
On our day off I hung out by the pool with Grandma and Mom. I chewed my stingray toy.
Grandma is my new favorite
Grandma got this picture of the sunset one night, I was already in bed.
Here is our team on our last day. Everyone worked really hard, that is what Daddy said.
I love to eat
I played a lot in my pack n play. Here it is set up at Miguel Hidalgo which was a new place for a clinic. We set up outside.
Seriously Mom, another clinic day. I'm getting tired.
Grandma makes me smile
I like to play with Daddy's head
Nile played soccer with the local kids

Oh wait here i am playing again in my pack-n-play
Grandma took me for a walk
Nile helped Daddy run the pharmacy
That's about it. I'm outta here.

Monday, January 4, 2010

New pics

Gosh I am better than my word :-)
Here are the stockings I made. Lucas' has a little bug on it :-)
the bug with his godparents- Fran and Jordan
laughing at Daddy

with Gabby on Christmas Day

opening presents from my family

wearing his cute bug bib which was replicated on his stocking







New blog for a new year

I have been TERRIBLE about blogging. I am going to change that. I have fans (oh I mean friends :-) ) that rely on me to brighten their days at work with my witty sarcastic take on life. I apologize for taking you for granted and for the two plus months that you have been bored with no blog consistent entries from me. I have been posting pictures and videos of TBL on Facebook but I am preparing to give Facebook up for Lent which will make this blog as important as Defcon 1.

First I started with a new layout. Nothing fancy, but it feels fresh.

Here is a rough update on what I have been up to.

It is cold here, butt freakin' cold. We have a new fire place in our addition which has been awesome. Once my 'oh i can handle it' husband learned how to build a fire without smoking out the house, things have improved. To his defense because our house is three stories and our addition is one story when building a fire the house acts like a chimney pulling the smoke into it rather than up the chimney. After a visit from the fireplace guy, Bill's bad attitude where he said 'we should have just gotten gas' and fire-place-saving-sage-advice from our friend, Greg, as long as one window in the addition is open and the doors connecting the addition to the house are closed, there is enough draft to pull the smoke up the chimney. It shouldn't be that difficult but then again no one said building a fire is easy. ask anyone on survivor.

We just got back from Mexico- TBL made his second trip. Nile came with us and my parents joined us. It was a great trip. Nile did great. TBL did great. Grandma couldn't have been happier. We saw a ton of patients. Success. We are moving into our 5th year of doing our trips and getting more efficient and having more fun each time we go.

Christmas was nice- a bit stressful with terrible weather and having to get our team out of the Minneapolis airport to Mexico. Thank you Iowa DOT road condition map. We flew a charter, terrible idea. Terrible charges and flight times -right during bed time for TBL- he screamed for about 2 hours of the flight down. Screamed so much that I just started to sob holding him. He did much better on the way home- we got an empty seat between us and laid him down- he slept the entire time. Note to self-- just buy the kid his own seat. It is really worth the extra cash.

We did stockings only this year. Both Bill and I went over budget on each others-- he did worse than me. The kids didn't seem to suffer any mortal peril by only getting a stocking worth of presents, but then again I'm sure it will be something to make Bill feel more guilty later on in life. Bill is not able to donate blood because he has hemochromatosis which is an iron overload disease- he covets the 'I bleed black and gold' shirts they sometimes give to blood donors. They were offering the shirts for donors over the holidays so I donated blood and got Bill a shirt. I think he was really touched by my sacrifice but now feels too guilty to wear it. Seriously? Just wear the damn shirt. I did make everyone homemade stockings this year. My mom made them for me and my brothers and I wanted to make some for TBL and realized I couldn't leave Gabby and Nile out and then just made them for all of us.

The Hawkeyes play in the orange bowl tomorrow- yum! can't wait. Ricky Stanzi is the man-zi and word on the streets of Miami and that he is healthy and ready to go. Watching our entire season get 'ruined' in a 3 second high ankle sprain turned fumble turned touchdown turned see-you-later-undefeated-record was painful and I still can't talk much about it.

Work is work- when I am not at work, TBL and I hang out. We play with all sorts of things and we run errands. We always seem to end up at Auntie Kim's house because she has cold diet coke and candy in her fridge. Strange how all errands take us right by her house? I am not that eager to have him on the move so we don't do much tummy time. He has showed no real progress in crawling. He loves to eat and laugh. He gets really giggly when he is tired just like his Mama. He sleeps like a hibernating bear -- well not that I have ever been that close but assume they sleep and sleep and when they are hungry they wake up and make noise-- exactly like TBL. He looks delicious in his snow suit. He loves when his dad sings him the 'pee pee diap' song. He is doing well at Ms Lisa's where he goes for daycare-- we'll see what report he gets today- after being with mom and grandma and the mexico team for the past 10 days he has gotten more than his share of attention.

I was really into Kit Kats, couldn't live without them about two months ago, then I got over them. Then it was 3 Musketeers bars. I'm over those too but looking to my new candy of obsession.

That is enough mundane information for now. I will post some pictures soon but then again you've heard that line before. :-)