Being busy is better

Work has been slow. Like super slow. Like watching movies on my ipod touch slow. I usually don't mind not having work to do. But knowing that I am doing exactly NOTHING makes me feel so guilty knowing that Lucas is in daycare and I can't go and spend time with him. When it is busy, I don't mind working so much. But this slower-than-slow thing is really getting to me. I can't leave early because 1. it may get busier and 2. i don't have the vacation hours to 'waste'. I can't stop working because I have loans and bills to pay. Being a total stay at home mom isn't the answer either. Most weeks working three days is great. But I had to work an extra last week and an extra this week so I am tired. When I hand Lucas to Ms Lisa at daycare he cuddles up on her chest. He doesn't do that with me. My mom says that it is better than him screaming when I leave. After I get over my theory that he doesn't like me and is mad he never gets to see me because I work all the time, my real theory is that she has a little more cushion than me so maybe it is comfy for him. I am just tired and bored and feeling sorry for myself and want to squeeze my little guy. Tomorrow. Me and him all day tomorrow. Can't wait!

is it progress?

Lucas hasn't quite figured out the concept of feeding himself. He really likes to eat Cheerios and those little puffs, but won't put them in his mouth once they are in his hand. We were at church play group yesterday and Oliver who is younger than Lucas was feeding himself so I thought I'd try again. "Here Lucas", I said and put three Cheerios in my hand, "have a Cheerio". He opened his mouth like he was expecting Communion. I continued to coax him to try to pick one up. Instead Lucas bent his head down, put his face in my hand and licked it off. Hilarious. At least he is 'feeding himself'. I guess I'll call that progress.

thought to remember

there is an article about a young pastor in Texas with a brain tumor. he is quoted to have said, "this has not surprised God. He is not in panic mode right now trying to figure out what to do with me and this disease" i was really struck by the simple truth of it. whatever is happening today, will happen tomorrow, good or bad, it doesn't surprise God.

thankful

I have been following two 'caring pages' for people whom I don't know but have gotten through other friends to pray for their babies in the NICU. One baby died last week. One baby is dying right now being held by his mother. I think daily of our friends who lost their son and another friend who lost one of her twins at birth. I sit here watching Lucas kick off one of his socks and throw his stacking cups and I can't find the words to express my joy, awe and thankfulness for the life I have right this minute.

well he did it

Lucas totally weaned himself this morning, the day he turned 9 mo old. I know it has been coming. I stopped pumping a few weeks ago and he was getting all formula bottles at day care. Then at home last week he didn't want to seem to nurse during the day so I fed him bottles. Then three days ago he didn't want to nurse before bed so he got a bottle and this morning he wasn't interested in nursing either. I honestly thought he'd keep his morning feeding for a while- despite my fatigue that was my favorite. So sniggly and hungry in the morning. Bill and a few friends have asked if I'm sad. Honestly it is hard not to be a little sad. I know Lucas isn't rejecting me or doing it on purpose to be mean. I know he is just growing up. But mixed with my sadness is 9 months of success. For 9 months I have basically fed him every three hours. When I was at work, I pumped for him every three hours. For those first 6-8 weeks I was up every three hours. I nourished my son, gave him the best of everything I had.

I think back to like day 2-3 when I had scabs that Lucas would pull off and I would bleed and his spit up was blood tinged and I was on the phone sobbing with the lactation lady and my mom was sitting next to me rubbing my back as I sobbed. And how for the first 3 weeks I followed Aunt Mary's advice and bit down on a burb cloth as he latched on as not to howl in pain. And how after that, just like everyone said, it got so much better. So easy. So natural. I just love sitting with him in the rocker with both his hands holding on while he is eating. He was such a good nurser from hour 1.

I will cherish my memories. How he would fall off, turn his head to look up and smile as if to make sure I was still there or as if to say 'Thanks Mom' and then he would go right back to eating. Or sometimes he would just unlatch, chuckle a bit as if to say 'my life is so great right now' and then go back to eating. How many hours I got to sit quiet and still with my son, rubbing his back, reading him books. I didn't know if any of this 'mom stuff' was for me when I was pregnant. I didn't put much thought into breast feeding or not; I just assumed I would. I am so glad I did. My initial goal was 4 mo and I made it to 9 and I would keep going but Lucas has decided he's done. I am so proud of what I have accomplished. I know a lot of moms who want to and can't so I consider myself lucky. I am trying to remind myself of all the positives today. Now I can have fully caffeinated beverages, as much as I want in a 24 hour period. I haven't had that freedom for 18 months. I am looking forward to Erica's promise that these last 5-8 lbs will come off now that I am not nursing. Now I have more freedom and am totally free of the pump. I can get rid of my nursing bras. But with listing all those, I am still sad. And I think that is more than OK, I think that is normal.

getting ready

I am getting ready for my Facebook Fast for Lent and trying to remember to post more pics and video here. Here is a good start.

These are from today

from last week

from Christmas

keeping it on the front burner

Bill and I have talked since before we had Lucas about trying to hold sacred 'our time'; even just a little bit of 'our time'. We wanted to make sure we kept this on the front burner while our life changed so we wouldn't wait until Lucas was 2 or 4 or 6 to realize our marriage had suffered perhaps beyond repair. That is one reason we have been so strict about Lucas' schedule and bedtime. Firstly it makes for a happier, not overtired baby but also we have our evenings together. I will admit we are not great at spending this time together every evening. A lot of times the minute Lucas sticks his thumb in his mouth and rolls onto his side asleep for the night, we are in two different directions. I may head out to run errands or take a run or do charts or catch up on facebook or veg out to watch some mindless TV. We may be getting a sitter and running to a school concert, the free medical clinic or a basketball game. We became aware of this a few months ago and started to have 'in home' date nights. I'll admit we are not that great at these either but we are keeping them on the front burner. We have spent a few nights playing a game together or watching a movie. I am proud of us for at least trying to keep it on the front burner. We did want to try to get away for a night. At first this was a weekend but then we decided that was too long to be away. Aunt Susie graciously said she'd watch the bug so we could get away for the night. We got a hotel room about a mile away from Susie and planned our 'time away'. It was a perfect 24 hours.

First we dropped of the bug with a TON of things which is ridiculous b/c he is so little. I gave Susie like a TON of instructions which is also ridiculous b/c she's a way better, more seasoned mom than I'll ever be but she graciously listened to it all. Then we headed to Scott County Park and ran the Frostbite Footrace. It is a 8K race outside running around this beautiful park. Bill ran it two years ago when it was -1F without the windchill. This year it was 30F with no wind. It was great weather to run in. Bill ran in shorts. I have never run that far before but one foot in front of the other and I made it. Bill beat his best 8K time ever and got 3rd in his age group. I beat the time I had in my head by 11 minutes and ran under 10 minute miles which was my goal. I am running about 8:50 miles when I run a 5K at race pace so my goal was under 10 minute miles for the 8K. I did it. Finished in 48:50. After the race we went to Tantra which is a favorite restaurant of mine (thanks Fran). I had mango coconut fried rice with tofu-- freakin' yumilicious. Then we stopped at Toys-r-us for a little shopping. Checked into the hotel. Took a nap. Hit Target for more shopping and then Biaggi's for dinner. We had to wait for our table for about 30 minutes and it was just great to sit and chat. We looked at pics on my ipod touch and challenged each other to a game of Twiddle (thanks Jordan). Dinner was great. Biaggi's has my favorite, white chocolate bread pudding-- freakin' yumilicious round 2. Then we headed back to the hotel. Watched some TV, read and got great night of sleep. We headed back to get the bug about 11 am and it was so great to see his smiling face and flapping penguin arms of excitement when walked in.

I am proud of us for keeping 'our time' on the front burner and for making the effort to get away even for the night. It is so much easier to talk about than to actually do. It was great to have the time to reconnect with Bill. It was wonderful to have Lucas so well taken care of. Thanks Aunt Susie-- you're the best!

Emotions and guilt

The Haitian earthquake, I think, is the first real 'tragedy' that I have faced while being a mom. Things are just different when you are a mom, they strike you differently, you react differently. That doesn't mean I didn't feel compassion deeply before I was a mom. But having a child just changes everything. I guess it is human nature to put yourself in the shoes of the affected trying to know what it may feel like and then have survivor's (or non-affected) guilt that you feel happy it isn't happening to you. I remember when my friend's mom died in junior high. At the calling hours, I was so sad but really I was sad thinking about my mom dying. I felt guilty being happy it wasn't my mom. I think I processed that through with my folks and they said it was normal to feel that way. I remember crying and crying over footage of Columbine really sad for them and even sadder thinking of any of my high school friends at Canastota going through such an event. I can't stop watching the footage from Haiti. I shouldn't have watched Sanjay Gupta and that 15 day old baby yesterday on the news. I could barely keep it together while watching it but then again couldn't turn it off. Lucas has been teething and has a cold and has been really fussy. He has screamed for the past week whenever he was in his car seat. He has really gotten on my last nerve. But then I turn on the news. And the guilt begins. I am not in Haiti. I have no lost my home, family, child, leg. Then the Hippocratic oath kicks in. Should I try to go? I know I could help? Two docs from our ER have gone. I am a bit jealous that I can't go but then I'm a bit relieved that I have an 'excuse'. I can't leave my infant while still breast feeding. Then I feel guilty for being happy I have an excuse not to go. Jesus would go, He is already there. He would swim there if he had to in order to love and save his children.

Oh the layers upon layers of emotions and guilt. I guess that is what you get from being raised Catholic and now being a mom who has taken the Hippocratic oath :-)