Emotions and guilt

The Haitian earthquake, I think, is the first real 'tragedy' that I have faced while being a mom. Things are just different when you are a mom, they strike you differently, you react differently. That doesn't mean I didn't feel compassion deeply before I was a mom. But having a child just changes everything. I guess it is human nature to put yourself in the shoes of the affected trying to know what it may feel like and then have survivor's (or non-affected) guilt that you feel happy it isn't happening to you. I remember when my friend's mom died in junior high. At the calling hours, I was so sad but really I was sad thinking about my mom dying. I felt guilty being happy it wasn't my mom. I think I processed that through with my folks and they said it was normal to feel that way. I remember crying and crying over footage of Columbine really sad for them and even sadder thinking of any of my high school friends at Canastota going through such an event. I can't stop watching the footage from Haiti. I shouldn't have watched Sanjay Gupta and that 15 day old baby yesterday on the news. I could barely keep it together while watching it but then again couldn't turn it off. Lucas has been teething and has a cold and has been really fussy. He has screamed for the past week whenever he was in his car seat. He has really gotten on my last nerve. But then I turn on the news. And the guilt begins. I am not in Haiti. I have no lost my home, family, child, leg. Then the Hippocratic oath kicks in. Should I try to go? I know I could help? Two docs from our ER have gone. I am a bit jealous that I can't go but then I'm a bit relieved that I have an 'excuse'. I can't leave my infant while still breast feeding. Then I feel guilty for being happy I have an excuse not to go. Jesus would go, He is already there. He would swim there if he had to in order to love and save his children.

Oh the layers upon layers of emotions and guilt. I guess that is what you get from being raised Catholic and now being a mom who has taken the Hippocratic oath :-)