I wouldn't trade it...

So everyone who reads my blog and knows me has been privy to my journey into motherhood. I never really thought I would be a mom. When Bill and I got married we were open to the idea, so open in fact that he had his vasectomy reversed and thought we would just leave it in God's hands. If God thought we should have a child, we would get pregnant. The years came and went. The longer we were married and some of our 'true' personality came out the more sure I was that we were not going to have a child and 'bless' them with 1/2 of ourselves- that just didn't seem fair :-) . It was almost three years since the surgery and my 35th birthday was looming (looming stronger now only a month away). I had decided in my head and heart that we would stop trying at 35 as to not have a high risk pregnancy. I didn't know if that meant I would go on birth control or get an IUD or something. I was totally fine with it. As my friends all had their kids, they were cute and stuff but I couldn't imagine having one of my own. They were nice to coo at and then hand them back. I never really liked kids; my nieces being the exception for those two girls, I'd walk over hot coals. I babysat my friends infant for like 45 minutes once, totally freaked out and had to call my mom like 5 times b/c I was sure something was wrong. All the nurses in the ER know to steer the sick kids to another pod because they are just not for me. Kids always seem to be sticky, like they have jam on their hands. There was this episode of Gilmore Girls where Luke was worried that he could not care for his teenage nephew because he wasn't good with kids, "they have jam hands", he said, "even with no jam around. I can't handle jam hands". To that Lorelei said, "Jess is way past jam hands".

So it was into this attitude that I found out I was pregnant. I don't think I've ever blogged about what actually happened when I found out. My period was a bit late so I was getting a little worried but didn't really think I could be pregnant. It was August 16th which happened to be Gabby's 14th birthday. We were getting ready to go to outdoor movie night for our couples group at Dave and Ali's house. We were going to watch Raiders of the Lost Ark. Bill was working on the computer and I decided to grab a few of the urine dip pregnancy tests that we take to Mexico. I did two at first and they came back positive. "don't panic, don't panic" I kept telling myself. I came downstairs to rummage through our Mexico stuff for a few more. "What are you doing?" shouted Bill from two rooms away. "Getting a few more pregnancy tests because the first two came back positive" "CRAP" he says, "are you serious?". So three more tests later which were all positive we decide they can't be right. All 5 had to be defective. They either got too hot in the Mexican sun or too cold traveling in the luggage compartment of the planes or they are expired or something. We were both trying not to panic. We go to HyVee and buy a 'real' pregnancy test. We come home. We have 4 advanced degrees between us and yet still didn't think we were reading the pink line right. Neither of us spoke for a while. "It will be ok" Bill kept repeating as we drove over to the BGs. "Will it?" I kept asking. He didn't answer. We were in shock. We arrive at movie night. Not that many folks were there yet. I was trying not to cry or throw up. I was totally freaked out. This could not be possible. I can't be a mom. I pulled my dear friend Kim away from the crowd and told her I'm pregnant. She started to cry she was so happy as I was crying out of sheer panic. A few months before her husband AJ asked us if it was OK to pray for us to have a child. He felt as if God had told him to pray specifically that we would have a baby. We kinda laughed it off and said "sure if you want to". I asked Kim "did we just ruin our lives or will this be great?" to which she simply answered "yes". I hadn't planned on telling anyone else, but Ali and I were alone in the kitchen getting more popcorn and I told her. It was hard to tell her as she struggled with their infertility and had been blessed to adopt Josh (and now Ben) I didn't want to seem like a cry baby or ungrateful for the gift it was to be pregnant as so many women couldn't get pregnant. In true bosom friend fashion, she enveloped me in a hug and said she couldn't be happier. I sat through Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark thinking about how in about 1 hour my life had forever changed and that I didn't think I was ready for it.

Everyone knows I hate change. I cried the rest of that weekend. Totally freaked out by being pregnant. I prayed and prayed and told God I wasn't ready, I'm too selfish for this and this couldn't be possible. On the way back from church that Sunday Bill said, "we had enough faith in God before saying if it was his will, we'd get pregnant and now we are and suddenly you have no faith or confidence in His will anymore. this is not the time to lose it". My very wise practical faith-filled husband.

Well I didn't miscarry and I kept on being pregnant. I told my mom on her birthday over the phone which happened to be grandparents day as well. She and my dad FREAKED out as expected. I told my Aunt Mary (who had her girls later in her 30s and always tells me how great it is to be a mom) at a Hawkeye Football game as everyone had gone down into the tunnel to get snacks. She was sitting the row in front of me and she started to cry and cry with joy. She had a hard time pulling it back together when everyone came back up to the stands. Bill told the kids by himself when I was in London for a wedding. We told Uncle Tom and Michael at Texas Roadhouse but he guessed it before due to our 'you tell him...no you tell him...no you' lead up to the big announcement. We told our couples group and our friend Holly jumped on us in delight. Early on I was craving so much fresh fruit that I showed up to work with a bag of grapes, bunch of bananas, like 5 nectarines and a few apples to hold me over my 12 hours. I offered some to my PA friend, Tammy, and she said, 'you must be pregnant. All I ever wanted to eat was fruit'. I had to lie to her because at that point no one really knew except Kim and Ali.

Everyone was so delighted and excited and I was just panicked and worried.

At 20 weeks we found out TBL was a boy. I really wanted to have a girl. I was trying not to cry when we left the office. I wanted my little curly haired girl named Joey after my dad. I went to Target that day to convince myself that little boy clothes are cute and did quite like all the dinosaurs and turtles. I kept getting bigger and bigger. I hated how my body was changing. My running got slower and slower and then stopped all together. I didn't feel all glowing or whatever, I just felt fat.

Well fast forward, everyone knows the saga of my last weeks, delivery and the stress of those first few weeks with TBL at home. I have blogged about how I wanted my old life back and how inept I felt as a mother and how I just didn't feel that bonded with TBL. I guess I expected to hear the Hallelujah Chorus when they first handed him to me or to feel this overwhelming sense of mother's love. I felt like a failure. My mom and my friends bolstered me up and shared their hard times with me; prayed with and for me; held my baby so I could cry or take a nap. Bill and I were fighting all the time, over tired and stressed that we had just ruined our marriage. We got into the classic fight of 'whose fault' this all was. Those first 6 weeks were rough.

Yesterday at work one of the nurses asked me, "how is that little guy of yours?" To which I honestly replied, "he's the best thing that has ever happened to me". She knows part of my story and herself never felt much like being a mom until she had her kids and we talked a little bit about our journeys. We shared a delightful moment together while warming up our lunches and I realized something.

You could offer me my old life, my old figure, my old running times, my old free time, my old sleep schedule and I wouldn't take it. I wouldn't trade anything for the minutes I have with TBL. Diana in Anne of Green Gables said about her son Fred, "before he came I wanted him to be a girl so I could name her Anne. But now that he's here, I wouldn't trade him for a million girls" To which Rachel Lynde said "you'd feel the same if you had an Anne". I wouldn't trade TBL for a million girls When TBL first gets up in the morning and is all adorable in this footed PJs and he looks up at me and has this huge wide gummy smile on his face like he's waited all night to see me again, I realize that I do have that overwhelming sense of unexplainable love for this little guy. I am his mom and I wouldn't trade my life now for anything I used to have. God knew exactly what He was doing when I got pregnant with TBL. He knew I needed him.