It is just the fatigue talking but today I feel inept. Mother's guilt is beginning to pour over me. I had to work on Thursday and Friday so I was gone 24 of 48 hours. Bill was with Lucas on Thursday and Susie, my sister in law, was with him on Friday with my niece Megan. Lucas had great days both days. Ate well, took good naps, was asleep by 7 pm. Last night he went down at 7 pm and didn't wake up to eat until 1:30 almost. Today we've had an ok day but he hasn't napped well, he hasn't eaten that well and it is 8:43 and he is still awake. I feel terrible for leaving him these past two days. I feel like everyone takes better care of him than me. I had to thaw milk so Bill could feed him a bottle a little bit ago because he was still hungry after he ate. I don't think I am making enough milk for him. He ate lots more yesterday with Susie at every feeding that I was able to get when I pumped at work. I just feel like a loser mom today. And to make matters worse, work just really sucks. We got a new computer system while I was gone and it is just hellish to work now trying to figure this new system out. It is so terrible that it takes any of the fun out of work and I just feel like quitting. Schedules at work are changing and I may have to work every other weekend. That makes me feel like quitting too. I wish it was 5 years from now and we were out of debt and free from our other current financial entanglements so I could just work part time at the Free Medical Clinic at night or like 1 day a week somewhere. I am tired of being tired all the time. And I'm tired of being fat. I want to eat what I want to eat and not worry about getting enough food to make enough milk. I want to eat like I did before I was pregnant and I want to drop these last 15 lbs. But then on the other hand, I'm so tired which makes me slightly depressed that I just want to eat crap. I want an Oreo McFlurry right now. And I want more caffeine. I want a Starbucks Caramel Frappachino or however you spell it. I want to just worry about taking care of me again. I want to stop being such a selfish brat. I want to start running again and I want to go to races on Saturday mornings again with Bill. He has been able to go to all these races and is running really well and I'm just jealous. I won't be able to race for awhile even when I can run again because of Lucas unless we take someone with us to watch him. It seems crazy to take a sleeping baby to an early Saturday morning race when we have to leave about 6 am. I have my six week appointment on Monday so hopefully I can be cleared to run again. It seems depressing to me to have to start all over again; starting from an flabby out of shape state. I should have run farther into my pregnancy. I should have not gained so much weight. I should stop beating myself about the past because it just makes me more grumpy.
Ugh, double ugh! I want my old life back. I want my new life to feel better today.
addendum: 9:04 pm little bug may finally be asleep.
4 comments:
Tell your fatigue to "stop talking". Being a Mom is a busy, rewarding life and you're doing fine. Your life will come into balance-just give it and you time. Stop beating yourself up!
Loser moms unite!
I feel your pain about the milk (and the other things too!)--Rowan is doing similar things in the evening. I'm hoping to try to start nursing her at 6, 7, 8, and maybe 9 pm to "tank" her up and try to get a larger milk supply. You may want to try taking a Fenugreek supplement (available at the Co-op)--that seemed to help me when I felt I wasn't making enough milk for Aidan and I'll probably take it again for Rowan (even if it's really just a placebo effect!). Warning, Fenugreek will make you smell like maple syrup--really!
You are doing GREAT, Katie--Lucas is lucky to have you for a mom!!!
Here's some encouragement - it's the quality of the milk more than the quantity. Believe it or not, he really only needs 3-4 oz total in a feeding ever.
Get Working Without Weaning by Kirsten Berggren - the best book on how to work and still breastfeed exclusively. On the days you're at home, try pumping in between nursing sessions to remind your breasts to produce milk. That way on those days you do work, you'll be able to pump enough for those missed nursing sessions.
You can do it! You are doing it! Hang in there!
One other thing - what you pump will generally be about 1 oz less than what Lucas can get from you since he's more efficient than the pump. So if you're getting about 3 oz in a pumping session (assuming you're pumping both sides at the same time), you're doing great!
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