Yes it has been that tiring

So my maternity leave is almost over and it has been this tiring. Bug says it all. This is him this morning sleeping in the sling as Mommy got herself breakfast and a few morning emails done. There are a lot of things I planned to do on maternity leave and didn't. There are a lot of things I didn't plan to do and did. This is by no means a comprehensive list, but just some of my random thoughts as I head back to work. My alarm clock has not been used since it went off at 5:12 am on 4/28 when we went in for my induction. No need for an alarm clock with an infant and really not place to go. There are days I haven't really left the rocking chair that I nurse him in. I know when all the good reruns are on- I am missing a Little House on the Prairie right now by typing. I know I have been a judgemental non parent at times and for those comments or thoughts, I am sorry. This job is crazy hard. For as incapable as I have felt or as my hormones have led me to believe I am, I actually am quite capable. My child has grown and developed right on schedule because I have been capable in producing enough milk to feed him; I have fed him out on the ped mall in Iowa City, in a HyVee bathroom, in the backseat of my car, at multiple friend's houses, at church. Breastfeeding is really convenient for on-the-go eats. I have been capable in taking him in the car out on errands by myself to the mall, lunch or Walmart. I have realized that getting your abdomen cut open really has a painful recovery process. I am looking forward to my 6 week appt next week so hopefully I get cleared for running again and any other extra curricular activity I have been deprived of since his birth. A bunch of my weight just melted off in the first two weeks, I lost like 30 lbs but now I have that last stubborn 10 or so lbs which may never come off. A lot of friends say that the last pounds didn't come off until they stopped breastfeeding. We'll see. I am getting a bit tired of nursing. I really enjoy bonding with him and I inherently love the fact that I nourish him, but I am getting a bit tired of him needing me all the time but I guess that is what being a mom is about. Bill is great with him, great getting up at night with us but when it all boils down to it, Mom has the milk. We may introduce a little formula soon so maybe the late evening feeding Bill can do so I can get to bed a bit earlier. I am looking forward to going back to work this week just to have some different routine and to get a bit of a break. You can't really miss something you never leave so I am looking forward to being really excited to come home and see my little Bug after being gone for 12 hours. Bill is going to watch him on Thursdays and his sister is coming to Lucas-sit the other days I am working this summer when she has off from teaching. I am only working 2 days a week for the next 6 weeks and won't go back to my full time, 3 shifts a week, until August. My mom and I 'interviewed' a local daycare center and 3 in home day cares when she was here and we settled on an in home situation for Lucas starting in August. It is a great gal who lives really close. She has 4-5 other little kids, but no other infants. Everyone is part time and she is really flexible which works great with my schedule. She is registered with the state so gets as much DHS oversight and supervision as a day care center, she is a paramedic by training and my mom and I just felt comfortable at her place. I have a hard time thinking someone else will watch him, but I know I can't do it all myself.

I thought I'd get more books read, CME hours done and home projects done while I was 'off from work'. I remember reading on a friend's blog one time it said, "I'm a stay at home mom and am writing a book with all my free time. I'm on page 2". That is how I feel. Without help I have been able to do almost nothing. However with my mom here I did get a few house projects done, got some pictures developed and put into albums and even got one whole book read.

I have learned that going outside with a screaming kid makes his screaming sound quieter because it isn't bouncing off the walls. I was surprised to learn that I still can't drink all the caffeine I want to- ugh! We have learned that we can't sleep with the baby in our room. Every noise he makes wakes one of us up and we have much more peaceful 3 hour 'naps' now that he is one room away. I have learned that a walk outside in the fresh air makes a world of difference. My friend Fran has been almost my constant walking buddy during these last 6 weeks and it has been great. She is moving and having a hard time with that transition. I have had a hard time with my hormones and the 'being a mom' transition so we have been walking grief buddies. Both sharing our sadness, confusion and tears... there are really no comforting words at times except 'this too shall pass' but we have had lots of 'well let's go get a coffee and a cookie' which has helped out immensely. I have realized what true friends I have here and how without my community I would be in a million pieces. I have showed up on multiple friend's doorsteps carrying Lucas in the car seat crying for who knows why just to be ushered in, told I'm not crazy to be this way, have my baby held by someone else and lunch made for me. I have called friends on the phone and just got out 'hey it's me' before I starting crying and they said, 'come over right now for tea'. I have started a 'mom group' email list where I can send all my crazy questions like "did you really brush your kid's gums?" and I get prompt honest responses. I have learned you can never have enough pacifiers because you never have one where you need it. I have learned once you sit down to breast feed all of a sudden you are so thirsty you think you may not be able to make it. I have learned that one little baby makes a lot of trash. I have learned how truly selfish I am/was; I don't think you can truly grasp it until you have a baby who demands everything you have and then more. I have had to mourn the loss of my 'old life' and the loss of getting to do what I want when I wanted it. There are moments that I just want life to go back to the way it used to me. I had a slight shock to my 'selfish' system when I got married because all of a sudden I had to worry about what Bill wanted to eat or do, or what show he wanted to watch. For as much as I thought I had overcome my 'selfish ways' in marriage, parenthood has a way of bringing it all to the surface again and babies take it to a whole different level.
I always have known I have amazing parents but they really are the best. My mom was out here for a week after Lucas was born and just for 10 days when Bill was away. There really is nothing like having your mother around to help. I would be nursing and all of a sudden I'd have a plate with poached eggs and toast for breakfast put in front of me. She held the baby so I could get a break. She even woke up at night when she heard him crying. I know she has been waiting a long time for her only daughter to have a child and she is enjoying every minute. My dad has been amazing too. Running tons of errands, doing yard work, making all sorts of arrangements so that everything was 'perfect' for his little girl and her family when he left.

Bill and I have decided Monday is going to be our date night and we are going to arrange weekly sitters- last night we got out for 45 minutes to buy potting soil and toilet paper, feed a friend's cat and pay a video store fine... it was delightful and really fun. I have 'hired' a high school girl from church to come over a few afternoons a week just to help me out. She is rocking Lucas right now and giving me a bit of a break so I can get some stuff done, unload the dishwasher, take a nap etc.

It has been the craziest 6 weeks of my life. It seems like a lot longer at times and then seems like no time at all. There are still times I can't believe that this kid is mine forever. I can't wait to learn more about him, I am so excited for figure out his personality and to watch him grow and develop. I can't wait to play Lego, teach him all about the Hawkeyes and Star Wars, ride bikes, play in the dirt. I remember being at Gabby's 5th grade band concert and they sounded quite terrible. I remember wondering why all the parents were video taping it and getting all teary eyed listening to what sounded to me like a chorus of some type of tortured animals (ok maybe it wasn't really that bad) but I said to Bill, "I think you have to be part of the birthing process of these kids to appreciate the music coming out of their instruments". And now I know that is true. I am going to be that weepy mom cheering on the 'dead duck sounding oboe player' in the 5th grade band because I have been with him since minute #1 when he couldn't do anything but cry, lay, pee, poop, eat and sleep (only when he felt like it). I also know why parents throw themselves in front of buses, in lines of fire and in harms way to protect their children; it is more than the deepest sense of love. It is all about investment. After carrying and delivering Lucas and investing my time, energy, sleep, total being into this little boy, there is nothing I wouldn't do to keep him safe. I have put too much in to lose my investment now :-)

For as much as it still seems unreal at times, this is my life now. For the good, the bad and the ugly Lucas is the best thing I have ever done and will be my one single greatest accomplishment